The Wild Side
by Sam Longoria & John Halvorson
Official minutes from the fifth annual Roaches of the World meeting.
Wally and Sticky reported that their experiments with curing boric acid sickness are going well. Their test subjects report a minimum of twitching, and scant fatalities. The Membership is eager to learn more about the possible cure for this dread killer, when future news is available.
Jimbo was censured by the committee for nibbling on last year’s minutes.
Ginger and Todd invited everybody over to their condo in Hawaii, to meet the “Big Island” roaches. Ginger modeled the latest Hawaiian fashions, and Todd showed movies and slides of their island home. The pictures were breathtaking, and their presentation was funny and informative. The prospect of dinner, dancing, and swimming in the new heated sink had everyone excited, and ready to pack themselves into a suitcase.
Bernard is still working on his miniature sunglasses. He has developed curved antenna-pieces that hold them on. He passed out samples, and we all tried them. If perfected, it is hoped that one day these glasses will allow us to stay in the kitchen, even with the lights on, and perhaps even to go outside into direct sunlight.
On a related topic, Humdum gave an inspirational speech. He pointed out that The Roaches of the World are the elected representatives of roaches everywhere. We are the best and brightest of our species. He called for us to act with dignity, and summon courage when needed. He concluded with the wish that we all act as an example to the common everyday roaches. The end of his speech was met with thunderous wing-clicking applause. Immediately following, a resolution was carried unanimously, that we all try very hard not to scurry for cover when the lights go on.
Some sad news—it was announced that Harriet went on to that big Roach Motel in the sky. No checking out. Her pleasant nature, and the amusing way she wiggled her antennae will be sorely missed. She met her end suddenly, while on a nightly kitchen stroll. Most of the Members knew her, and remember that she was very nearsighted. For those of us who knew Harriet, her last words, “It is a Reebok!” must hold a special meaning. A moment of silence in her honor was held by all present.
Unfortunately, it was at this moment that some practical joker shouted, “Raid!” over the loudspeaker. When it was discovered that it was a joke, the committee members who had scurried under the refrigerator voted to adjourn. ♦